Why Mess With Perfection(ism)?
“How is this serving you?” – this is the primary question I ask my clients to answer when they present to therapy to address their perfectionism. It may sound like a silly question considering the person has come to therapy with the intention of discussing all of the ways that their perfectionism likely isn’t serving them; however, within our sessions, I very much want to know what positive functions this perfectionism is offering my clients. Why? Because that is precisely what maintains the perfectionism.
In my work, I see perfectionism manifest in both typical and atypical ways. We typically think of perfectionists as high achievers and excessively hard workers who always seem to have everything in place and won’t stop until they “get it right,” even if their efforts appear extreme to others. Olympic gymnasts and professional ballerinas come to mind. But perfectionism can also present in ways that are harder to see. For example, the coworker who can’t seem to turn in a completed project despite being on the edge of losing their job, the well-meaning spouse who avoids having important conversations with their partner even when their marriage is at risk, or the woman who is distressed that her home is cluttered and messy but can’t seem to do anything about it. We often do not think of these people as examples of perfectionism, but we know that the processes that underlie and maintain all of these behaviors are the very much the same.
So, what is perfectionism?
The American Psychological Association1 defines perfectionism as the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is often marked by unrealistic expectations, mental rigidity, black and white thinking, excessive fear of mistakes or failure, negative self-evaluations, and fluctuations between a difficulty in acknowledging imperfections and a hyperfocus on one’s perceived failures.
Where does it come from?
In order to understand (and ultimately alleviate) perfectionism we have to understand how our brain and body were designed to respond to threats. If you can imagine going for a hike when you spot a big bear blocking your path ahead. Before you are consciously aware, your brain and body have jumped into action. In a split-second your eyes have communicated very important information to your brain (e.g.., big, hairy, claws, teeth, etc.) and your brain has taken in that information, organized communication with multiple brain structures (i.e., hippocampus, amygdala, hypothalamus, etc.), and has identified this as a potentially life-threatening situation for you. As a result, your brain triggers the activation of your sympathetic nervous system, better known as the “Fight-or-Flight” response, and your body is flooded with adrenaline causing your pupils to dilate, your heart rate to accelerate, blood vessels to constrict, and the decrease of prefrontal cortical functioning (the part of the brain that helps us to think rationally). In order to survive, our brain and body tell us that this is a dangerous situation and we need to be ready to either fight the bear or run away from it. This system has developed over the course of human existence to keep us safe from threats so it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. The problem arises when this threat-response system is activated in situations when it is not needed.
So, how is this all related to perfectionism? In my work, I conceptualize perfectionism as a defense against the threat of perceived inadequacy, the feeling that we are inferior, incompetent, less than, a failure, and never good enough. For perfectionists, who tend to think in black and white, the only alternative to perfection is failure and failure is too threatening an idea to imagine. When confronted with situations that evoke feelings of inadequacy, incompetency, and potential failure, the threat-response system detailed above is activated and perfectionists have two options:
(1) Fight – do everything in their power, even when it’s excessive, irrational, unrealistic, or unsustainable in order to attain perfection and avoid failure and inadequacy, or
(2) Flight – avoid any situation in which failure and inadequacy might be experienced
The aforementioned Olympic gymnasts and professional ballerinas tend to fall into the first category, while the coworker, avoidant spouse, and woman with the messy home fall into the second category. Those in the second, flight, category tend to come into therapy because their perfectionistic avoidance is causing impairment in their work, relationships, and general functioning. The manifestation of their perfectionism is not serving them. In treatment, they are often motivated to tackle their fear of failure in order to increase their functionality or attain their goals, such as completing a project at work, connecting with their spouse in a meaningful way, or creating a home that is enjoyable and clutter-free, amongst many other reasons.
But what about those in the first, fight, category? These people are often highly successful, high achieving people who are seen by others as driven, goal-oriented, put-together, and effective. Unlike those in the flight category, these perfectionists are also likely to be rewarded for their perfectionistic tendencies with financial compensation, accolades, awards, praise, validation, and admiration from others. These high functioning individuals are challenging to encounter in therapy because their perfectionism is being reinforced and, in many ways, their perfectionism is serving them. They are likely as successful as they are, in part, because of their perfectionism.
So, why mess with perfection?
“I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst the says, again and again, 'I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
When working with these high achieving perfectionists, I quickly learn that their inner world can be quite lonely and very harsh. They often report using self-criticism as motivation and their world can be defined by the unrelenting, all-or-nothing mentality of winners and losers, and they certainly do not want to be a loser. It’s actually one of the worst things that could happen to them. Why? Because (usually) along the way, someone in their lives made it shameful, even unacceptable, to not be the best. Time and time again I find myself sitting with outwardly “perfect” people who share heartbreaking stories of childhood neglect or abuse that they endured in the name of perfection. Stories about their coaches, mentors, or parents berating them for a less than perfect performance, being forced to “try harder” or “keep going until it’s right,” or maybe being deemed the least impressive member of a successful family. Over time, without someone or something to contradict them, these messages are internalized and eventually become indiscernible from their original source. In other words, these messages permeate our belief system during critical points of development and become the way that we talk to and interact with ourselves. Once this happens, the belief that perfection is the only option is hard to get away from, it becomes ingrained within our nervous system.
Throughout childhood and adolescence our nervous system takes in information from the interactions that we have with those around us. For example, when we are learning to walk, we often fall. We look back to our caregivers who, hopefully, tell us “It’s okay to fall” and encourage us to keep trying. Our nervous system learns that falling is okay and we feel safe to continue trying. But what if we were berated, yelled at, or punished for falling? Our nervous system would learn that falling is not okay and wire to respond to falling with substantial, distressing activation. In order to avoid this uncomfortable activation, we would likely experience significant distress around the idea of walking and, in theory, some of us might not even try at all. This is what happens for those raised in perfectionistic environments. Some stop trying at all, while others experience such distressing activation of their nervous system (i.e., anxiety, panic) that they struggle to manage it outside of irrational, excessive perfectionistic efforts. And although these efforts may aid in achievement, they are largely unsustainable, rigid, and overly demanding.
This is why we mess with perfection.
If you are struggling with perfectionism, what can you do?
1. Explore what your triggers are and give some thought to where they came from. Do certain situations, people, activities, words, etc. trigger you? You can do this exploration on your own through journaling exercises, with a trusted friend or family member, or with a therapist.
2. Identify what emotions are being triggered for you. There is substantial research that suggests when we are able to accurately identify and label our emotions, the intensity of the emotions decrease, which allows us to more effectively regulate them. Using a Feelings Wheel or vocabulary of emotions can be helpful in this.
3. Better understand how your perfectionistic thoughts impact your emotional experience and behaviors. Having the thought “I am either perfect or a failure,” likely triggers emotions of fear, distress, apprehension, defensiveness, shame, and worry. As a result, you might be more likely to shut down, withdrawal, or avoid.
4. Challenge your perfectionistic thought patterns. Rather than thinking in terms of black or white, consider they grey areas. Are there alternative outcomes in which you are neither perfect nor a failure? What would it be like to shift to an optimalist rather than a perfectionist?
5. Increase resiliency. When faced with perceived failures, a sense of resiliency can be the thing that helps you to bounce back. To gain resiliency, try out new activities or hobbies that you can do just for fun, not because you want to be good at them. We can be “good enough” at a lot of things in our lives and it can be beneficial for us to encounter failure and continue to persevere, learn, and have fun!
6. Accept that perfectionism is an unattainable goal and that striving for it is likely your way of avoiding negative feelings. Using radical acceptance skills can help us to cope with and accept negative feelings and situations when they are unavoidable.
7. Practice self-compassion in moments of struggle and distress. Dr. Kristen Neff 3has done some excellent work in this area.
8. Work with a therapist to learn how to seek out and engage in corrective emotional experiences, develop authentic connections with others, and ask for help when needed. We are social creatures and were never meant to do it all on our own. It can be quite normalizing and grounding to connect with others, who are also not perfect. The principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can be very helpful in treatment perfectionism.
Recommended Readings:
Brown, B. (2010). Gifts of imperfection, the: Hazelden Information & Educational Services.
Ben-Shahar, Tal (2009). Pursuit of Perfect, the: McGraw Hill
