How long does it take to move beyond a betrayal?

Betrayal in a relationship can come in many forms—physical, emotional, financial, etc.— and is often a profoundly traumatic experience. When trust is broken, the betrayed partner often experiences intense emotional distress that can resemble the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Betrayals can dysregulate the nervous system, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response that impacts a person’s ability to think clearly, regulate emotions, and function in daily life. The partner who committed the betrayal may also experience guilt, shame, and anxiety, leading to their own struggles with emotional regulation. The effects of betrayal trauma can ripple through every aspect of a person’s well-being, making professional support an essential part of the healing process.

Recovering from betrayal is not just an emotional journey—it is a neurological and physiological one as well. The body’s stress response, once activated by the betrayal, can make it difficult to feel safe, even in familiar environments. Many betrayed partners experience hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, and emotional instability. Meanwhile, the partner who engaged in the betrayal may struggle with defensiveness, avoidance, or a deep fear of losing the relationship or themselves. As both partners work through the aftermath, it becomes crucial to address not only the emotional wounds but also the traumatic and potentially long lasting impact on the nervous system. Healing involves learning how to regulate emotions, reestablish trust, and create a sense of safety within the relationship that integrates the betrayal experience, but does not allow it to define the relationship.

With time, patience, and therapeutic guidance, couples can move through the process of recovery and redefine their relationship. The final stage of healing allows both partners to process the betrayal in a way that no longer controls their emotions or daily lives. Forgiveness and recommitment, when possible, become part of a new foundation built on deeper understanding and mutual growth. Whether a couple ultimately chooses to stay together or separate, acknowledging the trauma of betrayal and its impact on the nervous system is a vital step toward healing.

The following is a typical timeline for recovery and I find in my practice that having this information helps couples to set expectations and feel a sense of relief in knowing that there is a path forward:

The Trauma Phase (0-6 months):

I. The discovery stage (0-12 weeks):

• This stage is frequently characterized by shock and emotional instability. Hopefully, by the end of six weeks the story has been told. During this stage the couple tries to establish “WHAT” has happened. Until this initial stage is completed it’s almost impossible for the couple to move forward. Once this task is complete, it’s possible to move forward in the recovery process.

The Working Phase (6-12 months):

II. The reaction stage (3-6 months):

• This stage exists partially in the trauma phase and begins the working phase. During the first six months multiple tasks have to be completed in order for both parties to feel safe about continuing in the relationship. The most important part of this phase is that each partner knows and feels that they are cared for. This is particularly important for the partner who discovered the betrayal. This is done through the development of empathy and a willingness to explore the reality of why this happened. A shared understanding of “why” this happened needs to be established before moving forward. Both parties will learn how to regulate the emotions generated by the event, thereby improving their communication around what happened and why. Grief and loss are a significant part of this phase. We would expect to see the partner who engaged in the betrayal pursuing the actions necessary to assure they don’t put their mate at risk of being hurt again.

III. The release stage (6-12 months):

• This stage is characterized by forgiveness and opens the opportunity for reconciliation. By this time, both parties have a better understanding of “why” a betrayal occurred and the meaning behind it. The couple will work towards building and maintaining a sense of trust through consistent action and follow through and will identify new ways of communicating and being within their relationship that, hopefully, align more so with the values, expectations, and desires of both partners. Through the earlier stages in this process and the pursuit of healing, there is often a sense of reassurance and of commitment that occurs as a result of this stage.

The Recovery and Progression Phase (12 months+):

IV. Recommitment and moving on (12 to 18 months+):

• During the final stage of healing, the couple makes a conscious decision to move on with their life. The betrayal will have brought new meaning to the couple, but it won’t continue to define them. Rather, their ability to deal with the adversity created by the betrayal and to move forward in a healthy and effective way, can provide new meaning and significance.