“There is no objective reality in close personal relationships.” Yes, read that again…
"There Is No Objective Reality in Close Personal Relationships"
– Terry Real’s Wisdom on Conflict and Connection
By now we’ve all seen the Progressive commercial in which the couple calls for the “replay official” to review what happened in order to determine who is right and to settle a dispute. While its entertainment value is undoubtedly high, the real-life applicability of such a motive is questionable.
Renowned couples therapist Terry Real once wrote, "There is no objective reality in close personal relationships." At first glance, this statement might sound perplexing. After all, isn’t reality just what is? This is oftentimes what I hear in my therapy practice during moments of gridlocked conflict when both partners swear they are right.
But in the context of intimate relationships, Real’s insight is a powerful reminder that perception, experience, and emotions shape how we interpret our interactions with our partners. Understanding this concept can help couples shift their focus from who is right to what really matters—nurturing their connection and navigating conflict with more empathy and effectiveness.
In any interaction, there is the yours, the mine, and the ours. What that means is that each partner brings their own personal history, emotional triggers, and worldview into every interaction. Two people can experience the same event but interpret it in entirely different ways. Consider a simple scenario: One partner forgets to unload the dishwasher. The other partner might see this as a minor oversight, while the first interprets it as a sign that their needs aren’t valued. Both experiences feel real to the individuals involved, even though the "facts" remain the same.
When couples get stuck in the belief that their version of reality is the objective truth, conflict escalates. The need to be "right" can overshadow the need to be connected. Real’s perspective invites couples to step back and acknowledge that there are always multiple truths in any relationship dynamic.
Reframing Conflict: Shifting from Right vs. Wrong to "Us vs. the Problem"
When couples recognize that their perceptions are subjective (i.e., the yours and the mine), they can move away from combative arguments and toward collaborative problem-solving (i.e., the ours). Instead of debating what happened in an attempt to establish "the truth," they can ask, What did we each experience, and how can we move forward together?
This shift can be transformational. Rather than getting caught in a cycle of blame or debate, partners can instead:
Validate each other’s experiences without necessarily agreeing. A statement like "I see that this really hurt you, and that matters to me" fosters connection far more than "That’s not what happened!"
Express feelings using “I” statements instead of accusations using “You” statements. Saying "I felt unimportant when you didn’t check in with me today" is more constructive than "You never care about my needs!"
Seek repair rather than victory. Instead of focusing on winning the argument, couples can ask, How do we reconnect? What do we need to do differently next time?
What Really Matters in a Relationship
At its core, Real’s insight is an invitation for couples to prioritize emotional safety over objective reality. The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreements—it’s to navigate them in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than erodes it. Remember…confrontation is necessary in relationships, conflict is not.
When couples accept that they each see the world through their own unique lens, they can become more curious about each other’s perspectives rather than defensive. This creates space for deeper understanding, greater intimacy, and a partnership built on trust and mutual respect.
By embracing the idea that there is no single objective reality, couples can stop fighting over the past and start focusing on what truly matters—building a loving and resilient relationship in the present.
As Terry Real writes, “Who is right? Who is wrong? Who cares!”
